Infidelity can destroy marriages and even families. The hurt and betrayal that comes with cheating and a disloyal partner is unbearable and can ruin your perception of relationships and traumatize you when it comes to trust. We want you to know that it is possible to heal from infidelity and create a new life, whether it's by making amends with your spouse or choosing to move forward and create a new and beautiful independent life.
Discovering extramarital relationships in your marriage may be difficult but we are here to assist you in gauging the stages of relationship grief, how to overcome infidelity and even give you signs that your spouse may be cheating.
Signs your spouse is cheating
It might be difficult to move forward in a happy marriage if you have suspicions that your spouse may be cheating. Pointing fingers and confrontation is never a good idea if you don’t have proper evidence. Here are a few signs that your partner may be cheating:
Lack of Intimacy
If you have noticed a lack of intimacy in your relationship or affectionate behaviors that have died down recently, your partner may be seeing someone else and receiving intimacy from someone else. However, we do want to mention that every relationship has moments where the spark seems to have gone out which eventually returns in a few days or a week. This is normal when you spend so much time with someone that you need a pause to rekindle the love. Nevertheless, if your partner is lacking intimacy accompanied with suspicious behavior, it could be a sign of adultery.
Partners who are unusually emotionally distant may be going through something they are afraid of sharing with you. Before accusing them of cheating, this should be taken under consideration. Emotional distance can arise for many reasons such as fear of being judged, a need to be alone, or uncertainty about their own feelings. It may be that your partner is obtaining emotional affection from another if emotional detachment and secrecy go hand in hand. If they refuse to open up or show acts of love through words or sentiment, consider the possibility.
Hanging out in a group setting and your mutual buddies or their buddies acting weird around you? They might know something you don’t. Friends behaving strangely often happen when they have a surprise party planned or keep a celebration from you. But, if there aren’t any big dates like birthdays or anniversaries coming up, your friends are the ones who would know if something is up. If they are exchanging unusual glances or acting strange when you show PDA to your suspected partner, it might be time to ask what they know.
Altered schedules happen. If you work, you understand you might need to take extra hours from time to time or stay late if things don’t get done on schedule. However, if these extra hours are developing daily or they are being “asked” too frequently to stay over the weekend, your partner may be chumming it up with someone in a skeevy motel.
If you have a shared bank account or have noticed a lack of funds for basic necessities but no proof as to where it was spent on, they might be spending on someone else. This is a more serious offense as it affects the both of you. The best thing to do is get a bank statement.
Secretive (Phone, Computer)
In this day and age, the biggest give away to someone having secret activities behind closed doors is hiding their phone and computer. If passwords have been changed and they don’t allow you to check their phone, they might be hiding something.
How to find your spouse cheating
If you are suspicious as to whether your spouse is cheating or not, you may want to consider hiring a private investigator. You should only hire a private investigator if the situation runs deeper than predicted.
What does a private investigator do?
Private investigators look into legal, monetary, and private concerns. They provide a variety of services, including confirming individuals' claims and histories, looking for lost people and looking into infidelity. Private investigators can acquire video, images, and other proof to show whether your partner is having an extramarital affair, and they can also witness what they saw while doing their investigations.
In the US, the typical cost of a private investigation operation is from $50 to $150 per hour, however this might change based on the case's nature and the investigator's competence. Hiring an extremely qualified private investigator will indeed cost more than employing a less experienced professional. Additionally, private investigators who have experience in police departments typically charge more.
10 Stages of Relationship Grief
When trauma happens, the first reaction we all feel is shock. Everyone reacts differently so your outrage may come off as quietness. You are at a loss for words. Allow yourself to feel it. Let those emotions settle in and take their toll. Don’t do anything impulsive. This is where the grieving process begins.
“How could this happen?” This is what you will ask yourself next. You will reflect back on memories and wonder what could have caused this. Remember, it is not your fault.
You might feel numb due to not knowing what to feel in the first place. You might lose interest in the things you enjoy, disconnect from family and friends, and isolate yourself. The alone time might be just what you need. It will give you time to think.
A lot of people say that getting angry should be resisted but, sometimes you have to allow yourself to feel angry. Allowing yourself access to these various emotions makes it easier for you to come towards acceptances. To be able to forgive, you must know how it feels to be angry.
It might not be your forte but, a lot of people choose to distract themselves with a rebound. Distraction is a part of human nature. We tend to avoid the matter at hand by engaging with something else. This is perhaps the most dangerous stage as you can easily fall into bad habits and addiction. Self-care should be the best distraction. Journal, write your feelings down. Distract yourself with productive habits.
Depression affects the majority of Americans and people around the world. Nobody in this world can tell you how to deal with depression as it is unique to everyone. But we can tell you that you are not alone. There are many resources out there you can use. Most importantly, it is nothing to be ashamed of.
It is easy to stalk an ex or a partner that you are separated from by way of social media or following. We recommend you don’t do this. Resist the urge because it isn’t productive. It only leads to more spiraling.
You will grow more than you ever have when you accept what has occurred to you. Since many individuals find it difficult to acknowledge their grief, accepting it takes real strength. Your path to moving on and making beauty out of pain will start with acceptance.
Independence is different from needing alone time. It's picking up the pieces and taking charge of yourself. Realizing that you as a person are whole with or without your partner. You find strength and resilience through independence and even confidence.
Moving on is a different journey for everyone. It could mean considering divorce or being ready to finally confront your partner and discuss the infidelity. Whatever you may choose, having a supportive system around you is crucial.
What are 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse?
- When the affair ended, how did you feel?
- Have you cheated on me before, if so, when?
- Did you give me any thought?
- Have you let them know about us?
- For how long has this been happening?
- What did they provide for you that I did not?
- Was lying to me challenging?
- Was it a romantic relationship or just a one-night stand?
- Did you give my feelings any thought?
- Did you think about what your family would think?
How to overcome Infidelity
It is possible to heal from infidelity but there is no one single antidote for your pain. According to CouplesTherapyInc., only 17% of American adults who have never had infidelity issues have gone through a divorce. Almost half of adulterous couples still have active marriages.
Divorce may be in your cards, it may not be. We can’t decide that for you as it involves a lot of factors beyond your relationship. But we can tell you that it is best to keep your privacy and be present. If you have children, you and your partner should do your best to be supportive for them at this time. It takes a lot to do this but, divorce and infidelity does more to families than it does to relationships between partners. You can be angry at your spouse but a child resenting their parents is deeply embedded into their worldview.
If attempting to restore trust or maintaining a marriage is not in your future and you are considering divorce, take your time. We also recommend seeing a marriage counselor or therapist not just to work on your relationship but also, to talk to someone for a fresh perspective.